Twins: A FAQ

Q. Are they twins?
A. No, they are six years apart, that one’s just really small.

Q. Are they identical?
A. No, he has dark hair and he has blond hair.

Q. Are you sure?
A. Yes, he has DARK HAIR and he has BLOND HAIR.

Q. They sure look identical.
A. About as identical as you and I.

Q. Are they a boy and a girl?
A. Yes, the one in the jeans and blue shirt is a boy and the other one in khakis and a blue shirt is a boy.

Q. Are they “natural?”
A. Nope, cybernetic like Ahnold in the Terminator movies.

Q. I mean, did you have “help?”
A. Yes, my husband and his Super Sperm helped.

Q. So no fertility drugs?
A. Just those pesky birth control pills. 99.9% effective my ass.

Q. How do you do it?
A. Just like everyone else does everything they do. I just do.

Q. Were you surprised?
A. No, I got a card in the mail a few weeks before I conceived that said “To have twins do the nasty on this day.”

Q. If I had twins, I’d have a boy and a girl.
A. Yeah, I missed that card in the mail somehow. The powers that be really should switch to email.

Q. Don’t you want to have a little girl?
A. No, I’m afraid I’ll have two little girls. Or three little girls. Or three little boys. Where’s that gun?

Q. Which one is older? No wait, let me guess.
A. Whatever makes you leave me alone faster.
Q. That one?
A. Yup.
Q. I knew it, he’s bigger.
A. Now he is, he was the smaller one at birth.
Q. But the biggest one is always born first!
A. Sure, except for all the times when that doesn’t happen.

Q. How far apart are they?
A. Six minutes.
Q. What did you do in that time?
A. Oh you know, knitted booties and wrote a novel. The usual!

Q. My two are (insert number) months apart so it was just like having twins.
A. Yeah, just like having two dogs close in age is just like having hemorrhoid surgery.

Q. Do they cry/poop/pee at the same time?
A. Do I really have to answer that? Do you cry/poop/pee at the same time as your siblings? Where’s that gun?

One Response to "F.A.Q."

  • Oh my gods, I could have written this myself, even the part about the fertility drugs bit ;) I often thought about writing up a sheet like this and just handing it out when strangers approached. I should have.

    I have 2 girls – one was nearly bald/very fine blonde hair and the other one had dark curly hair. I could dress my baldy in a pink frilly dress and people would still go,”Oh,a boy and a girl?” And also…the smallest one was born first…but she turned out to be bigger eventually. The dr who “delivered” them went on and on about how rare it was that the smallest one was born first,yadayada. Um hmm.

    1 Jupiter said this (February 19, 2009 at 7:36 pm)